Life and people in it

   Hello people of the world, I am here with a brand spanking new blogpost for your entertainment. This one is about society. Well, people to be exact. When I say two faced what do you suddenly think of? Enemies, ex-mates, girlfriends, boyfriends? You're right if you thought of any of those. But when I think of them I think of me being bullied by my so-called mates. The ones who say they'll stick up for you, the ones who spread lies and muck about you behind your back.

   So, society. What is it? My view on society is life. We live our life, we find a partner, have sex, have offspring and then die. But I'm going into detail. The people we talk too aren't what they seem. They are like glaciers. We see what they put on, we see the lies and the mask. We don't actually see their true colours. Its amazing what we miss when we meet someone for the first time. So why do we trust someone who we don't know...?

   People and the glacier image:

    So, you're in a bar and you see a good looking person. You make the first move and its successful and hey presto you get talking. You see the outside of that person, not the inside. You both fall in love and you get together. And you trust them. Is that a bit strange? Fast forward a couple of months, you get told by various people that your partner is cheating on you. That they doesn't love you. That they hate you. But yet you still trust them. Nothing wrong in that, but you push those accusations away. Then you find out they are true. But oh no, you can't believe them because afterall, that person promised they wouldn't hurt you. Now that people is that hidden bit you never saw in that bar. The real person within.

   Thats the glacier. You see the 3rd of that person above the water but you never see the rest. The rest being the truth. Why hide your true self? Why lie? Its misleading. But thats life and thats how people work I'm afraid.

Friends who aren't really friends:

   Now onto friends. How many friends do you really have? How many can you actually confide in? I know that I have very few friends that I can talk to properly. You know what the best way to see if they are mates. To have a laugh with them. To insult them gently, have so banter with them. If they take that on the offensive then you know that they were waiting for a reason to dislikle you. If you try talking about them about something and they don't seem bothered, then you know why. But what worries me is that they call themselves mates but in actual fact they are the ones who are spreading crap about you. They are the ones who lie about sticking up for you. They know that they have mates who will back them up if they started on you. They know that you can do nothing about it at all. Again, the glacier image. So why do they do it? I will never know.

   Talking from personal experience I know how it feels to be in that situation. It's not nice and whatever you say to make it better falls on deaf ears. I have been in that situation so may times that I trust very few people these days.

Family who aren't what they seem:

   Family. Mum and dad. When you are born, you are the best thing ever. Nothing can get any better. But that changes when you grow up. Things change. Arguments happen and you are always in the centre of them. You get blamed for things. Your dad gets angry and your mum gets upset. As a child your hear your mum crying and pleading your dad not to hurt her, you hear your dad shout and you hear a sound of your dad hitting your mum. Your mum sreams louder and you cry. Next day, your mum and dad aren't talking, the house is quiet and your dad goes out never to return. Every night you hear your mum sobbing, when you grow up, you understand things clearer.

   You seem disconnected from your family and you don't feel like family no more. That isn't the glacier effect no but how the effect starts. You experience something which makes you recluse into your shell, this is where I think it all starts. What do you think? Please tell me if you agree or disagree :)

Fear & adrenaline

   Fear and adrenaline? What is so significant about these? Are they important or not? Well they are. They are the things which make us human, it makes us real. Without fear we have no feeling. Without adrenaline, we have no options.

FEAR-

   It is a human instinct which we grow up with. We can fear anyone and anything. Clowns, spiders. Even ourselves. I noticed that I feared myself. I was in constant danger of myself. For what I would do to myself and others if I let that fear take over. I used to live in my own world where I would always be looking over my shoulder. Always running from myself. It scared me a lot and I didn’t want to tell anyone, I didn’t want to say anything. I used to hurt myself to get rid of the fear; I used to cut to numb my feeling to it. It was endless. No relief, just pain. I also have other fears like clowns. Gawd, they scare the hell out of me. It must be their rather insane laughter and twisted sense of humour which does it. Or it could be that they were really strange. Getting the shudders just thinking about them now.

   I know a few people with unusual fears. Socks, yes, those things you put on your feet. It’s funny to read but believe me, she is terrified of socks. Here’s some more:

- Hats

- Rings
- People
- TV
- Music
- Spiders
- And the end of the world

   My view on fear is that it’s a warning system and a lesson. We learn to feel fear and then we learn to avoid it. My fear of myself is still here, I avoid slipping back in my own world, not just for me but for others, for those who love me. It’s hard to explain in word and the only way to explain is to go back to that world and feel it again. If you would like me to do that then I will, but it will hurt me.

ADRENALINE-

   Here’s a question. Would you fight to the bitter end or run away? Fight or flight? Most of you will say fight but would you really? When it came to it, would you actually fight? Picture this:

You’re in a trench with bodies of your friends who are dead. You are on your own with only your fists and no weapons. You have been hiding in the cold dark mud. Hungry and thirsty. You are always hoping it would end and that you are in a warm bed back home. There is no hope for survival. Your senses are acute and you can hear people walking towards you. Chances are that they are hunting for survivors and there is only you. What would you do? Fight to the bitter end hungry, cold, thirsty, weak and hopeless. Or would you run?

   Adrenaline is something which gives you a high. It prepares you to fight. It can prepare you to run too. I would personally run, take my chances and run. I wouldn’t care if I died but I would die a proud man. It is basically your body releasing endorphins, no not dolphins, those endorphins then go to your brain and stimulates everything. Your sight, hearing, smell, feel, thinking and touch. It gives us an edge which then gives us two choices. Fight being one of them and flight being the other.

   So there we have it. My first new blogpost. Not the best but it is something which may interest you. Until next time, keep reading.

N.B. Contact me: ginge_y1@hotmail.co.uk

                               http://www.facebook.co.uk/jude.wilson.10

I'm back

   Hello, guten tag, bonjour and HEY!!!! Yes, I am back. No, it's not a hoax, it is actually real!! I am back. And I am back for good. It has been too long and I was missing this blog. And now I am back. Well, it feels like home. Have you missed me? You have? Aww, well I missed you too.

   I will put my depression campaign to one side but i WILL NOT forget about it. And I will be doing more psychological blogposts. Things like Fear and Adrenaline. I'll be giving you my view, my thoughts and my theory on that. I promise to make it fun to read. But yea, I'M BACK!!!!!!!

   Anyway, I'll get straight into my research for my new blogpost. I am going in depth with this one. I promise you won't be let down... well i hope you aren't let down. Until my next blogpost. Ciao.

N.B. http://www.facebook.com/jude.wilson.10 Add me if you have any queries.

Roll of Honour for my mates and people I know.

    This is a list. Not any lod list. This list is for those who I know, those who support me and my blog. For those who deserve a mention for when they have stuck by me through the bad times, thhrough the tough times. For they have proved they will stick by me to no end. They won't leave me until I get through it. They all have their roles, their strengths and their weakness. Whether they like me or not, they still deserve to have a mention. For those on this list. Thank you.


Sabrina Hawkins                    Farrah
Tink Wilkinson                       Aaron Kimbrell
Poppy Anderson                    Chris Smith
Jordan Jensen
Adam Burnitt
Alex Brooke
Rachel Garnett
Abby Foley
Amy Maxwell
Paulina Gala
Amber Davidson
Anna Watkinson
David Beeson
Matty Waters
Amy Brook
Claire Freya
Keith David
Amanda Todd
Pete Bennet
Betsy Harmer
Jenalyn Harley
Hazel Bratton
Nightcrawler Neo
The Nearly Deads
Rick Gonzales
Matt Denton
Graeme Burrell
Mike Gargett
Louise Woodward
Ben Blagrove
Nathaniel James
Alison Boydell
Lou Bernaldez
Aditya Choppa
DJ Naresh
Amy Joe Robinson
Ben Cooper
Daniel Ellmer
Gina 'mini' Weaver
"U can't See me"
Janna Marshall
Jaydine Foley
Keeley Mogg
Kortnie Cinkowski Snyder
Cheyenne Keith
Andrew J. Keith
Kyle Greaves
Luke Armstrong
Raise These Sails
Oceans Ate Alaske
Love and Satellites
Nicola Syrett
Patrick Cox
Nicole Collis
Steph Carlson
Terrie Atkinson
Tom Fisher
Victor Olliver

First ever Metal Gear Solid 3 blog. As promised...

Right, a heads up on me, i am a gamer, only on the PS2, so don't judge and my favourite game has to be Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. The reason being is that i borrowed that game off mty mate and being me, i was reluctant to play on it, but i kept on it and i just thinkn its the most epicest game ever!!! But before MGS3, i was an absolute crap gamer, seriously, i was. And akso since playing on MGS3, i have opened my eyes to a broader horizon of gaming genres, like fantasy, medieval, racing and combat. But i mentioned that i borrowed Metal Gear Solid 3, and yes, i was very emotional when it came to returning it, i was considering emigrating, so i can keep the game. So, a few months went by and i was mourning the loss of an awesome game, and always failing in my attempt to buy it, but one day, like magic or maybe fortune was in my favour, who knows, i saw a copy of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater in Grainger Games, second hand and it was going for £7.00!!! I knew i had to get it, so i did, now iot stands proudly next to my recently required Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty. So, let me talk about what makes Metal Gear Solid a game. The storyline is full of twists and turns, and the aims of Snake change, like when (SPOILER) Sokolov dies, the main mission is to then destroy the Shagohod. The story also pulls the player in to the game, it draws him/her in and envolopes them in the action of the game. The graphics too, they are to be commended, the gameplay is smooth and uninterrupted and it flows easily from scene-to-scene. The cutscenes are also really good too, as they don't magically transport you in the opposite direction of where you stopped, like most games which i won't name, Lord Of The Rings: The Third Age. The variety of weapons you get as well is really impressive, you have an arsenel of guns which you acquire throughout the game and when you defeat the bosses in certain ways, like the camo which i'll get to in a minute. And i am going to link the weapon graphics with the game graphics now, as they all seem to be different and they act in different ways. But there isn't just weapons, theres radars and other extras, which again re-act in different ways, and the way they lose energy as well is a good touch, annoying but good. Now, the camo, theres two types, face and body, erm...face first. This is a similar story like guns, you do get new designs throughout the game, and the way they look when applied is great, and Konami doesn't stop there, they actually add flags from various countries, and i applaud them for pulling that off in a spectacular way. And now the body, the various designs, and unlockables are great, and funny. I like to run about with no body camo and no paint and pretend i'm Rambo!!! But seriously, Konami may of done well with facepaint but body camo too, its just...i can't put it in words, its just so amazing!! But what i like about the body camo is that you can unlock new ones like, The Fear and The Pain by killing them with a (SPOILER) tranqualizer gun. But when unlocked, they come with a price and i won't tell you what it is, and yes, you are probably crying as i type but i can't spoil it, but i can hint, you'll need to constantly eat. But as i was saying, the body camo is pulled off really well and to add the humour in the game Konami has put in absolutely random suits, and they do help, but it lightens the game up a bit, because the game does get a bit stressful and probably gets heavy, but my relief is shooting the hell out of folk. Okay, i won't talk about the bosses because for one, i'll be giving you all the secrets of beating them and what they are like, and that is what i do, and also i don't want to be spoiling the whole game for you, so i hope you enjoyed this and i hope you found it good and useful. Until next time, buy the game if you haven't got it yet, and before i go, you can now buy the Metal Gear Solid HD collection now. Seeya later guys

Goodbye...

   Heya my loyal readers and sharers. I am thinking of stopping these blog posts, so that will mean that I won't be posting anymore up. It isn't because of the hate that I'm getting on ask.fm because it isn't. It's that I feel like I have played my part and now without Tink Wilkinson (@thoughtsblogger) to guide me, I just don't know. It's going to be emotional when it comes to stopping this for good. I've had my highs and lows when writing this blog.

The highs:
     I have a lot of highs when writing this blog. A lot. The very first one would be when I did my first post ever. Title? "Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater produced by Konami for the Playstation." Link? http://mgs3madfan.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/metal-gear-solid-3-snake-eater-produced.html I can remember writing this on the Deus Wikia blog and I thought "Eh? Surely this is the wrong place to post it." And it was a shambles. I'll post the exact blog up for you to read and you can make your assumptions. But yea, I enjoyed doing that. Also my first comment. Okay, maybe I did ask my mate to comment on it but still, itmade me happy :)
  
   The amount of friends I have made through this blog. I've made so many new mates because of this blog. Some of them I have kept in contact with since the very beginning. Thats been a joy.

   Also this is a little thing but it has been a joy to see. Comments. Getting feedback on any of my blog posts is really nice and to hear what you all have to say about that blog post has been so nice to read. Thank you :)

    The view count is another small thing too. Its been fascinating to watch it just rise higher and higher with each hour, and sometimes EACH SECOND!!!! That has been keeping me writing this blog.
 
   My website which I created because of this blog. Originally called "Gamers Haven" but now its called "Your Hub". Thats actually been fun to create and release to the world. The link?  http://www.mgs3madfan.jimdo.co.uk

   My Facebook page/Twitter profile for my Depression Campaign is an absolute achievement for me. I never thought I would of created them at all.

The lows:
    There has beem too many to write about. The main points would have to be on my very first blog about depression. Title? "Depression my experience and its effects"  Link? http://mgs3madfan.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/depression.html This would be the first blog I ever did to start my depression campaign off and I don't ever regret writing this at all. I look back and I think that I did good doing that. After that. Well. As they say- After that is just history- and history it is. But after writing this I felt like crap. I felt like I did something bad.

    At this point, I would stop. But I'm not. I'm going to write every single word here. To the last word. No quitting early.

   There was another post which knocked me down really badly, which put me in a worse state. And that was this one. Title? "The truth about depression comes out" Link? http://mgs3madfan.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/the-truth-about-depression-comes-out.html And this not only knocked me down but it was the turning point for me and my depression campaign. That was the first blog that I put all my heart into. The only personal one which I opened out in. I want to think that it is the only blog which is hard hitting as that but I don't know if it is or not.

   There was also another post I did. Title? "My Darkness. My fear." Link? http://mgs3madfan.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/my-darkness-my-fear.html This when I was in my "dark place" and I still go there, but not as much as I did.

   So, there we have it. The last written blog by me. Jude Dylan Wilson. Also known as Ginge. I've been through hell, I've seen things in my mind and I've done things which may be considered as weird. But I came out a winner and an educated person and a better person. I've made friends and lost friends. I've made allies and enemies. But I will still keep my head high and I will keep living.

    Heres a quote for you:
                                       "The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure"

   Thank you all for being here for me, for supporting me, for believing in me. I thank you all!! :)
   ....So, this is it. I've been trying to put this off for ages. This is goodbye. I'm sad to leave in a way. I really am. But hey, find me on Twitter @judewilson2 AND @DepressionCampa

Update on me...

 Hello, I will get straight into this blog post because I want to tell you all how I am and how I am feeling nowadays. I could be really nice and say that I am not suffering from depression but thats not true. It's not true for a couple of reasons because:
 
1. I am not clear of depession.
2. I am now managing my depression in a safe and sensible way
3. I have found somethimg to occupy my time instead of cutting

    Yes, thats right, you have read those right. Because I have a job. A job which may not sound appealing but I do find it fun. And I find that doing this job stops me thinking about suicide and self harm. My job? I work in a butchers. I know what you are thinking. Dead pigs, cutting meat, being a cannibal but no, that is not my job role. I am a cleaner as such. I wipe down the surfaces where the skin the deer, rabbits etc. And I do find it absolutely fascinating. It may sound really boring but thats not the point. Theres always a joke being made and there is always a laugh happening. The atmosphere is amazing. Theres Pete (the owner), Alex (Petes son-in-law)m, Tracey (someone who works there) and then theres me (little old me). My first day was fun.

   Okay, my first day:
   Righto, my first day. Here we go. I went there at 10 in the morning expecting orders to be barked at me left, right and centre. But that wasn't the case. I had a warm welcome and a mini tour of the place. Did you know that it used to have a small slaughterhouse at the back? No? Nor did I. But anyway, I was told what to do and how to do it and I just cracked on with it. I loved every second of it, I loved the cleaning, the sweeping and the moving. But I kept telling myself that it's for the best. At the end of the day, Pete (the owner) said what a brilliant job I have done of it. And hearing that made my day. It really did. I can't wait to go back!!!

   But do remember at the beginning of this post, I did say I am still suffering of depression and I do have my small moments when I feel like crap, where I just want to hide and cry. Where I want to go back to my "dark place" but I don't let myself. I don't because it's just going to drag me back to the way I was.

 November 6th, doctors appointment:
  I honestly forgot to do an update in this but here it is now. And I will type right now that my doctor is one absolute so and so.

   I went for my appointment and I told my doctor how I was, how I felt and what I  have done to myself. I had shown him my scars. That was really hard to do. To actually tell him all of that did tire me out. And it did have me crying. I found it really difficult to tell him that. And you know what he said? This what he said:

"...Jude, I woin;t lie but you cut yourself for a buzz. There isn't any other reason and that is the truth. You cut yourself because you find it fun to do and thats the only way you can get a buzz. I am right in telling you this because I know about this stuff..."
   
   WHAT?!!! I was shaking with hate. I was shaking with pure anger. Him? An expert? And he knows why I do it? I'm sorry but I had to literally interview him.

Me: So you know about why I do it?
Doctor: Yes
Me: So you know what I've been going through?
Doctor: No
Me: Have you been through depression?
Doctor: No
Me: Have you self harmed before?
Doctor: No
Me: So how do you know I do it for a buzz?
Doctor: Because I am in expert in this field of study and statistics show that most people harm themselves for a buzz. They think its clever and that it's cool.
Me: I'm sorry but I am going to have to disagree because when I used to cut, I was doing it to let out all my negative emotion, to let out the hate and anger inside of me. I didn't find it cool, I didn't find it clever and I did not find it as a buzz.
Doctor: You are wrong,  You aren't a qualified doctor, you don't know about this at all. Your opinion doesn't count.

   At that point, I had to leave the room because otherwise I would of punched him. I would of punched him so hard and I am not joking. That really upset me that was being ignorant of my experience and my feelings. When I went back in, I asked about anti-depressants. He said I didn't need them because I was stupid and that I wasn't in a rush to need them. So I had to sit there and smile and pretend that everything was okay. He eventually said that he stopped me from harming myself and that was when I lost it. I stood up and said:

"...Sorry but I find you absolutely disgusting. You sit there and you tell me why I harm myself and that I am being stupid. When I tell you the truth to why I harm myself you then ignore me. You sut there in your comfy chair and you speak words to me. You tell me everythings going to be okay, that I am going to be fine when in actual fact I am nopt fine, and that everytthing is not okay. You are just an utter letdown to the NHS. You claim to be an expert in depression, and if you really are an expert then help me. Help me instead of being a liar. Because right now and I won't lie, I am so close to hitting you. I want to hit you because you are like everyone else in this godforsaken world. You are ignorant to the fact that I am not okay, that I harm myself. You shun me to one side hoping that I will magically come out of depression and that you don't need to see me again. I ask about anti-depressants and you then tell me that I don't need them? I despise you and your stupid appointments. You do nothing to help me and for that I am leaving, I don;t care if you don't want me to leave and if you try and block my way. I will hit you. I don't want another appointment thanks and I don't want you to send me a letter because I will just rip it up and send it back..."

   And with that said, I left. When I got round the corner, I collapsed and I just cried my eyes out. I couldn't move, nor did I want to move. I was a wreck. My body was oblivious to pain from all the times I have cut into myself. I couldn't bring myself to move at all. And this was in the middle of the street, and I didn't care if I was laughted at. I didn't care what people thought of me. I was just fed up of it all.

   That is why I am renewing my campaign. I want you to share this blog. To tweet this blog. To quote from this blog. To link it up on Facebook, Kik, Tumblr, Twitter, Ask.fm, Bebo, MSN, Hotmail, Google mail, Google+ and any other social networking site that you may know. I will do my part, will you do yours? Leave a comment down below, email me on ginge_y1@hotmail.co.uk, find me on ask.fm: http://ask.fm/GingerJude, and on Twitter: @JudeWilson2. Please do what you can!!!

Thank you!!

   Thank you!! Just thank you everyone!!! Thank you celebrities, thank you friends and THANK YOU WORLD!!! I want you all to givew a huge round of applause because right now I know that somwhere in the world, someone is reading this blog. They will read it and they will share it. This is to you... I LOVE YOU!!!!

   Since getting this depression campaign started, I have had a massive response. From you and the world. I know that without you sharing, retweeting and telling friends and family then I wouldn't of got anywhere. Yes, it has been hard. Yes, it has been a struggle to do this. And yes, i am greatful for your help. Okay, my twitter profile for this hasn't been a huge success, and if you want to follow it, it's @DepressionCampa. If one person read it within in an hour, then told their friends, then they e-mail it, share it, link it or tweet about it, we're looking at about 30 odd people within 3 hours. Or maybe even more!!!

But I want to thank:
Betsy Harmer                         Matt Denton                           Amber Davidson
Kortnie Snyder                       Night¢raώℓeя Neo                 Alex Brooke
Tink Wilkinson                      Olivia Waterhouse
Pete Bennett                           Angel Sasha
Sabrina Hawkins                    Lucy Baines
Sian Howells                          Millie Herrod
Amy Maxwell                        Luke Armstrong
Matty Waters                         David Beeson
Adam Burnitt                         Dominic Tarn
Jordan Jensen                         Fightdepression
Hazel Bratton                         DJ Naresh
Amy Brook                            Carla Mai
Poppy Anderson                    Madame Arcati
and many more!!!

   THANK YOU!!!! If it wasn't for Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Ask.fm and Tumblr, then who knows where I'll be. I salute you all for helping me so much!!! Thank you.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

   I've not done this before, but this is a massive plea for help. I need to get in contact with someone called Katherine Wilkinson or known by Tink Wilkinson or on Twitter @thoughtsblogger. I need to speak with her. I am extremely worried and I need to know that she is alright. I need to tell her that our campaign on depression is winning. I know that she is a sufferer and she was just using her willpower to not breakdown. I need to knwo she is okay. If you do know her, and you do see her and you do read this blog. PLEASE SHOW HER THIS!!!!!

   I am going to do something that I have never done, email me at: ginge_y1@hotmail.co.uk find me on facebook: facebook.com/jude.wilson.106 And find me on Twitter: @JudeWilson2 or comment on this blog post.

  It is of massive importance. And i DO NEED YOU TO SHARE THIS!!!!!! Any news is good news.

   Tink, if you come across this and you read this, this bit is just for you:

   You are an amazing girl, you are strong, inspirational and a positive influence to me. Last night, 23/10/2012 BBC Radio 4 mentioned us, not by name but by

"... two anonymous bloggers who have dealt with depression are using their experience to change lives. They are doing an amazing job together and they will win their battles. They both have the support of BBC Radio 4 and many others behind them..."

   They said that because I emailed them Tink, I emailed them to spread our campaign, to make it bigger. And now look, we have their support. Please Tink, don't do anything stupid, I look at you and think what an amazing, pretty, warm-hearted girl. I believe in you, I believe that you can do it. Just need to smile, to look at your mates, your family and your support. Please get in contact. Please? I'm worried about you.

Listen up, read and take notice!!

   Right, I am laying the cards on the table and I am saying straight. All the hate, all the discrimination against me and other sufferers HAVE TO STOP!!!! I wouldn't be saying this if you all just understood the pain and the hate that you are directing towards me. After this weekend, I am just ready to go. To go and not come back, okay? To be honest, I have had enough of this, I started up this campaign to help people understand depression more, to help those who are suffering to understand that there is a way out. Hell, it may not be the best way out, it may be the painful way out, but its a way out.

   I am close to stopping everything all together. Stopping this campaign, stopping all blog posts on depression. Everything. But I won't. You want to know why? This is why. I want to help, I want to show the world the truth. Okay, if it hurts me in the process, at least I'm helping. Yes, I will carry on with this campaign, I am not that weak that I'm just going to give up. Like I said, even if I have to do it alone, I will keep it going. This campaign is showing me who I really am, its showing those out there the sort of pain sufferers are going through. Its showing sufferers that they ARE NOT ALONE!!! I am a sufferer, I still cut, I still get down in my pity, in my fears and my upset. I have no proper outlet but cutting. If I am going to be honest, that is what people have against me. That I cut. So what? I am not you am I? You can't stop me? I have to do that. I have to help myself out. I don't want to be told that I'm being childish, I don't want to lose friends because of it. But I am. People block me, delete me and blank me. Why? Because I openly admit that I cut. At least have some guts and say that you don't like me because of it. Tell me instead of ignoring me.

   I ask for help, and those who do help are the ones who have seen the truth, who have seen the downside of depression. And they are the ones who have experienced depression firsthand. And I respect them. I salute them as soldiers, I respect them like family. At least they know what I am doing is for the best. I would name them, but I don't want them to be subjected to the sort of things that I have been put through. The whole point of this post is me telling you, as the world, that I am sick and fed up of being told that I am a loser, a fail and that I am being childish. It has to stop. It has to stop because it will lead me to my grave okay? It will push me further and further towards suicide. And I don't want that. My death will mean that this campaign will breakdown, it will fall apart and be forgotten. No one will be able to fill my boots, okay, some people may be able too. But you have you remember that I am human, I have feelings too. Yes, my feelings are messed up, my emotions are messed up, but I am human. All it takes to help is to retweet this, to link it up on facebook, to share it on Google+, to email it to friends and to tell people via word of mouth. Thats all I'm asking for, to not put me down for what I'm doing. And to help me. At least do something yea? At least help people instead of insulting them. Thanks for reading this. And if you want to comment, do so. You don't need an account on Google+. Take it easy.

N.B. This is an example of someone who bullies people. Who makes them feel crap about themselves. His twitter name is @DaniielCorey and he has put something on his blog which makes me sick. It sickens me to see people like that. He is one person who doesn't give a damn about sufferers and he should be stopped!!!

My Darkness. My fear.

   When I say that I'm scared of the dark, I don't mean the dark at night. I mean something else. I mean my nightmares, my fears and my depression. It is one thing that I can't describe properly. The Dark for me is myself. I live in the dark, i breath and eat in the dark. The dark makes me feel scared. It renders me helpless, and I can't stop it.

My only fear

   It can't stop, nor can I make it stop. When it happens, it happens. There is no way out of it. The dark is where I go when I cut myself. And I can assure you that I do as well. I do cut myself when it comes. The time of day it comes to me is at evening and in the afternoon. I go into it, and I stop threre. I will say now, writing this now, at this second, and probably when you are reading this, I am in my darkness. Its something which came with my depression. And I wish it never happened. I just want to stop it. And the only way is to commit suicide. And I don't want to do that, I will if it gets worse. I really will.

Look in the mirror. What do you see?

   I was asked this - "Look in a mirror. What do you see?" And you know what? I looked into that miorror and I said somnething from my heart. I wasn't thinking about my words or my sentences. I was thinking of the truth. The truth which I am sure is the answer. I said:

   "...A monster, if i'm honest. But also a person. A person who is doing his best to run a campaign to create a massive awareness on depression, a campaign which he fears is failing. Any help is needed. But i'll tell you something else, I see a person who WILL NOT STOP WITH THIS CAMPAIGN. I'll keep it going, i'll keep it alive. I'll keep the fight going. I'll make sure my message gets across. I will not stop until I am successful. I am a winner. Not a loser. If i ahve to be a loner in this campaign, then a loner i will be. But i can make sure i look in that mirror in the future and see a successful man. A man who has won, a man who has suffered defeat and suffered losses. A man who can be an inspiration to all generations..."

   Yes, it may sound heroic, yes it may sound stupid. But that IS the truth. That is the truth for me and for many other people on this world. I am telling you now, that I will achieve this. I will never back down. Ever. The only time when I will back down will be the day I put depression in the history books. The day when I finally win. Like I said, if I have to do it alone, then so be it. I will do it on my own. But I can say this from my heart honestly, there are so many people out there doing their part. So many people doing it because they were and maybe still are sufferers, in memory of someone or because they realise that depression is a growing problem.

    I am doing it because I am a sufferer. And because I had taken it to the extreme. And because I have faith in what I am doing. I also want to take part of that burden too. To work towards happiness, towards a new world. Whether you're with me or not. I will do it.

   To join the campaign, and if you have Twitter, follow @DepressionCampa

Tree of Life

   Hello readers, there is one thing I want to show you and I want to tell you too.To show you that there is hope and to tell you that you can help.



Tree of Life

     The one thing which helped me through the worse of my depression was the Tree of Life. Where things grow, where there is life. It guided me through the worse and guided me through my dark hours. I still wear it. I wear it because it gives me hope, not in myself but in those who are suffering.

   I'm not saying that I'm out of the worst, because I'm not. To this day, I still feel like crap. I still self-harm, I still want to commit. But its not only that medallion which I live for. I have a beautiful girlfriend, I won't name her, only because I respect her. I love her so much, and I don't want to hurt her nor do I want to lose her through depression. I want to live happy again, no scars, nothing. But that won't happen, I will carry my scars to my day of death. I want you all to realise that I want to help those who are suffering, help those who have no idea what sufferers are going through. I would like you to help me to help them. Please?

   Remember, if we can raise a big enough awareness of depression, then we CAN and WILL help the sufferers. All you need to do is to share these posts, tweet them and tell your friends and family. I can promise you that your involvement will be accepted. Thank you.

Keep watching this space.

   Right, hello readers. Can you remember the two posts about depression? You can? Good. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, find them, they are both interesting reads. So, what am I going to say? Thats it. As I am getting help with my depression, I have an appointment on the 6th of November. So, I saw this as an opportunity to do a diary as such. A diary of each day and tell you what I'm feeling, my mood and my thoughts.

    Its probably never been done before and it may give you an insight on the pain I'n going through as such. And, I will not hold back in any way. So, if I have a bad day and it gets too much to read, then stop. You don't have to read them. I'll start it on the 1st of November for you. If I start it now, then it'll get predictable if you get what I mean. So, I hope you are behind me with this, and that you'll help me to help you.

   Until then, keep reading, keep tweeting, keep sharing.

N.B.  I have seen a youtube video today, it's so honest and it's so moving, I recommend you watch it. Just follow this link -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ0I_lTNGVM&feature=plcp

The truth about depression comes out.

[WARNING!! THIS BLOG POST GOES DEEP AND IT MAY BE UPSETTING TO SOME PEOPLE]   

   Right, this is for EVERYONE okay? Boys, girls, men, women and doctors. The truth about depression isn't about what the so called "experts" say. I don't give a damn about what they say anymore. They are like those hate preachers you get these days. I wrote about my depression, I gave the signs and I wrote about it's effects. And you know what, it was so hard for me to write about it. It scares me to this very second. If you are scared of the truth, then you know what you can do ? You can keep running form the truth but the truth will just follow you.

    There is a world out there, a world full of people who take their own lives, who scar themselves, who rely on pain to take the negative stuff out of them. And what is the health system doing about it? Anti depressants, counsellers. Okay, I admit, they are useful and they do help in ways but that is not what everyone needs. Also, what isn't needed are people shying away from depression and the things which entails it. What I mean is self-harm, alienation and suicide. When will the "experts" realise that what they say makes no sense at all. They rely on case studies, on the information given to them. Do they not realise that there is no proper way out of depression? What about that period of time which is called Regression? Have they no idea? No they don't.

   It's time we give them that truth. People who suffer in depression suffer in silence. Scared of what people will think of them. What their own family will do to them. Trust me, I know. I've been there, it's frightening. I won't lie, I have 6 suicide attempts to my name, countless of scars on my body, many more to come. It eats away inside of me like a disease which can never be cured. It ruins my summer, scared of wearing t-shirts and shorts. I can't talk to friends much because then they have my burden as well. At nights I go to sleep hoping I pass away. In the mornings, I wake up feeling sad, lonely and scared. I can't get into a relationship because I can'bring myself to love another person. Do you know what it's like? Its torture. Day in. Day out.



The non existent light

   Have you felt that pain inside when you rip the most treasured thing out of yourself? I have. My heart. I have no way of showing my love. When I do, its fake. I live my life in another persons body. I can't fit in, I can't sit at a table with my family anymore. I have no reason to. I have no idea who I am no more. All because I made myself that depressed, made myself feel so much pain that I can't stop that. Think what you think, You may think I am a weirdo, because you know what? You're right. I'm an idiot for thinking I can get out of this. If you think that this blog post is attention seeking then good, because you know nothing about my wellbeing. Nothing. If I could give you that one day in my life, that one day where it changed, then I would because believe me, you would be seeing depression in a new life. I light which never shines for me. I light which never even exists anymore. It used to, I used to follow it and I was young and carefree. But know, its just dark. No light, no guide, no nothing. Its like being in nothingness.

   If you want to read it this again, then do so. Look beyond the words. Look beyond the post. I am giving you my life. I am giving you my darkest fear. The fear whos shadow I'm always in. Its like death. I have tried to tell people in so many ways, I really have and I'm sorry but I'm going to stop writing anymore of this. Even writing it is scaring me. I'm so sorry. I let you down. Just yea.

   Bye.

In recent reading of Danblogz.

   I have recently read a blog by a blogger who incidentally I know in person too. Now, he says that people uses "Facebook as a tissue". I strongly disagree. I left a comment correcting him and he says it’s a rant. If it’s a rant then, why the hell does he then contradict his self?

   He starts off by putting his point across, but he then goes onto say:

 “… People to finally publish their personal, obnoxious and frankly hatefully pitiful diaries…”

   In other words, he is calling people complete idiots, now that is one way of being, shall I say, bitchy? It’s really unfair on all levels, no matter how you see it. I see it as another way of getting at someone but instead of using Facebook, he is writing a blog post about them. Oh, and don’t worry, it gets worse:

“… There is only ONE reason why people post their personal social situations on Facebook, and that’s to get attention…”

   At this point I started laughing, I really did. If he thinks that then he has no idea what depression is. If he really knew what it was then he would know all the vital information on depression, why people say that and why they put stuff like that. To clear things up, people who are going through depression put depressive status’s up on Facebook because they want to get that emotion, anger or their mood across to their friends. If they then get comments to tell them to shut up, then it’s the so called “friends” who are in the wrong. Another bit I laughed at, and also where I got angry was when he said:

“…On social networking sites, you’re supposed to socialize with those you feel close and comfortable talking to…”

   What’s that I see? He is telling people how to use Facebook!!! Now that and I hope you see where I am coming form with this, is absolutely disgraceful. He is basically being a complete and utter one sided person here. I mean, come on. Isn’t that a tad stupid. It’s like me telling him how to live his life. You just don’t put that. Yes, okay, Facebook is a way to talk to friends, not just to talk to those close to you. Isn’t it the same as telling someone to alienate themselves from the rest of their friends?

   Now, there was one point in his blog where he made sense, and I saw what he was meaning:

“… Posting your depressing feelings for everyone else to see is like going to a conference, standing up with a megaphone and announcing “Help me, my boyfriend has just dumped me… F.M.L. I’m going to jump off a bridge if someone doesn’t tell me everything’s going to be okay…”

   Here he is saying that Facebook is like a meeting place, but online. But I read it again and I saw it in another light too. If you, as the reader of my blog can see what I mean then well done to you. But, he is genuinely being obnoxious his self. He portrays people who are in depression in a mean way. He is literally stereotyping a depressed person!! That is one of the most spiteful things to do in the world. What if a person who is depressed reads this? What would their reaction be? I can tell you. Anger. Upset. And hell, what if they then commit suicide? Oh, and there was one bit I was literally raging at, he said:

“… You look like an attention-seeking whore. Sorry…”

   WHAT!!!! Did he just put that? That is one of the most disgraceful things ever. Then to put sorry at the end? I’m not sorry to say this but Daniel .E. you are bang out of order okay? You can’t just say that. Here’s a few more quotes from his blog, I’ll let you see what he says. Then you can make the decision about his blog:

“… (8) You think you can trust, trust. But it’s not enough. Through all of the lies, the pain and cries, it’s enough to say goodbye ” – Some random teenager with a first world problem…”

“… Please, please keeps this depressing stuff to yourselves, I beg of you. It’s ridiculous, people post crap in order to get attention…”

“… Either get over yourself, or go back to asking celebrities to follow you on Twitter, or whatever you do when you’re not whinging at god knows who through Facebook…”

   And can you remember how I said he contradicts his self? Here is how he does it:

“…The truth however is that as much as I say I find this stuff irritating, I really don’t mind…”

   Talk about backtracking quickly. He talks about how he hates depressive status’s and then he says that? Hahaha, I’m sorry but that is just a load of cock and bull. He obviously does mind it, and he was clearly making that point in his blog, then why the hell say you don’t mind it? It doesn’t seem right. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my corrections on his blog. But if I didn’t read it, then he would probably got away with it.

   Anyway, I’m going to go now and put more depressive status’s on Facebook. Joking. But seriously, my Facebook profile, my status, my life and my choice of words. See you lot later and keep checking back for new blog posts.

Depression my experience and its effects

[WARNING!! THIS BLOG POST INCLUDES IMAGES OF SELF HARM AND SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND IT UPSETTING]

  
 Hello loyal readers. I said I would do a post on depression, so here it is. This is going to give you the information on depression and its destructive nature on people. I will be relating to my experiences to it so do bear with me if I go on a tangent.

   Depression. What is it? What does it do to people and how does it affect you? Well I will tell you in this post. But please and will say now, this post will get deep and it could upset some people. So, if don’t want to read this, you don’t have to.

   The causes of depression:

   There are so many reasons for why people go into depression;

-          Like a break up with their partner
-      A repressed memory which scares them                  
-      Constant bullying
-      A bad childhood

   Whatever it is, it can upset people so much, that it then alienates them from a crowd of friends. It can then make people worried that they have no way in life and when that happens it creates problems. It can make people do the extreme, things like:

      -          Self-harm
      -       Self-poisoning
      -       Suicide

   That’s only three examples but there are many more ways. When I got depressed for the first time, I had no way of cheering up, I felt alone, sad and I had the idea that no one liked me. But that’s before I thought about self-harm. I only ever heard about self-harm and I thought it was a silly thing. But there was one point I decided that I had enough so that was when I first tried cutting.

   When people self-harm, it’s because they feel insecure with themselves. And as if they have to hurt themselves to get rid of the mental pain within themselves. A person can say that they are being silly but to them, it’s not silly, it’s just another way of dealing with their problems.

My experience with self-harm:

   I had only got into depression because I was liked by this girl, and she told me straight that she liked me. I got so busy in talking to her and organising to meet up with her that I wasn’t thinking about myself. Then one day, she then told me the worse thing. She was with someone else and that she didn’t like me. That was when I fell down into my abyss. I was so upset by it that I didn’t want to talk to no one, my college work had lapsed, I was bored of my life and I just didn’t want to live anymore. A couple of nights later, I was thinking of ways to kill myself. With no pain, no struggle, just a quick death. But that notion soon left my head because I realised that I didn’t have the guts for suicide.

   After that I lived my life as an alienated person. I had made myself into a hate with people and I liked that way of life. I didn‘t think about cutting at that point in life but that was soon to come. When I started out with self-harm, I had no idea what I was doing. I just went by with the idea. Take something sharp and cut into myself. The first ever thing I did was a huge “X” in my leg. I felt a lot better after. I actually thought it was a relief to hurt myself. After that, it became a regular thing. A bad day? Just cut myself, get rid of that stress by watching my blood drip. I have many more scars now. But, I can promise you this. I managed to stop cutting but it left me with ugly scars. And I was okay for a bit.

   I won’t lie and say that I’m not self-harming anymore, because I am. And people have told me that it’s an addiction and its attention seeking, but I assure you. It is NOT an addiction. And it is NOT attention seeking. It’s a way of life for me and I have seeked help but to no avail. I managed to find ways to deter myself form self-harm, like gaming, writing, drawing, smoking weed and listening to music. But I have recently found out that I am now addicted to gaming. That sounds silly, I know but it’s not. When I go on a game, I get so engrossed in that one game, that I feel like that I have left the real life and that nothing can hurt me anymore but when I stop playing, I stop living in that game. The same goes for weed, I stopped that now but I would start that up again but I won’t.

What you can do to help:

   There are many ways you can help. You can:

-          Become their guide, by that I mean that you offer them advice. Take them out somewhere fun.
-      Be there for them in their hour of darkness
-      Not tell them not to cut, and don’t force them to stop. They have to make that choice.

      -       Ask them every day “How was your day?”

   If you do this, they will see that they are not alone!!!!

   There are tell-tale signs too:

      -      Wearing long sleeved tops- obviously, it’s going to be hard to tell in winter but in summer it will become clearer.

-      A look of pain on their face- if they go to toilet or in another room, and they seem to have to have a more less pained look on their face.

   I can’t promise that these are the exact signs, but these are the two most common ones!!!

   If it is of any help, I can help you out by giving you a few pointers on how to show how you are feeling without telling people directly that you are depressed. Heres a few ideas:

   - Put up lyrics on Facebook which reflect the way you are feeling. Like Papa Roach - Scars
    

    "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel"

    

- Say that you have had a bad day and that you just want to talk to a friend about it.



- Inbox someone you know who can help you

- DO NOT MAKE THE HABIT OF LISTENING TO SAD MUSIC!!!!   

 So, that’s done. I hope you manage to help friends and family. It is the most destructive thing known to mankind. Other than war and conflict. It can tear families, relationships and friendships apart. Thank you taking the time to read this. Remember, read this, share this and tweet it.

N.B. I would just like to point out right now, that the three images on this blog post are real and they are images of my own body. The vertical scar is on my bicep and the "LONER" is on my lower arm, the one with blood running from it is near the "LONER".

Things to look forward too

   Hello my loyal readers. I hope you are continuing to read my blog and that you are shaing it with your friends. If you are wondering what is coming up in  the coming weeks, or maybe months. Well, here is what you can look forward to reading:

GAMES:

- XIII
- The Lord Of The Rings: The Third Age
- Metal Gear Soli 2: Sons of Liberty (part 2)
- The Spiderwick Chronicles DS
- Mariokart DS
- Need For Speed Underground
- And more...

   Thats the games listed, what about the consoles? Well, here they are:

CONSOLES:

- Playstation 2
- Nintendo DS  

   Thats the games and consoles out the way. Onto the extras:

EXTRAS:

- Bradford Animation Festival 2012
- A post of my drawings and my inspiration for them

   And I am going to do a more serious post. Its not on games, its nothing to do with games. Its more personal and it effects everyone. And also it had left me with an experience which I don't want to go through again. Its about depression and what it does to us. It won't be written up anytime soon but I will relate to my experience to it. So do be prepared for that.

   Other than that, you are spoilt for choice when it comes to games reviews and I have followed up on an email I got. It was someone who wanted the DS to make an appearance. So I have done just that. I hope you look forward to these posts.

New arrival of my website!!!

   Here it is. The moment that you and I have been wainting for. Blogger and reader alike. I can be honoured to finally say that my new website is here. I shall link you up right..... NOW!!!

  http://mgs3madfan.jimdo.com/

   It's not much of a website but I will be willing to accept any ideas, thoughts and/or articles which you would like to submit to me. Enjoy the website readers.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty by Konami (Part 1)

    Hello my amazing blog readers, I am here to do a post on… drum roll please… Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty!! I shall tell you how I manage to acquire this rather amazing game. I got it through bravery and sneaking through the jungle just to steal it from the evil TD. You know what, if I did do that, it would be an epic story to tell to my grandchildren. I actually started off by borrowing it from my mate on the bus. And he was like “borrow the game Jude, complete it. And give it back after completing it.” So, I did just that but when it came to giving it back, he then told me to keep it. His mum sold his PS2 and all his games!! So that is how I got MGS2. Now, just so you know, I will do this post in 2 parts. Tanker and Plant. Enjoy…

   Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty carries on from the first game- Metal Gear Solid 1- and it gives you the basic story on the introduction of the Tanker. And also that’s when we first meet Snake and Otacon. You, as the player, play as the main character, Snake, and you have Otacon to guide you and give you vital survival tips. The basic story for the Tanker is that you- Snake- go on board to bust the U.S. Marines and their plan but then something unexpected happens which then jeopardizes your original mission.  

Hiding behind a strut.

   The gameplay is slightly flawed in some places, but it isn’t noticeable, only the eagle eyed gamer would be able to spot these points within the game. But if you are reading this and you don’t have a clue what Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty is, I recommend you buy it straight away. But anyway, back onto the game details. The very beginning is a simple procedure; you have the basic gun and the basic mission. The graphics within the game are so amazing and this shows how amazing Konami is when it comes to producing an epic game. The guns used on the Tanker are all real, like the SOCOM (Special Operations Centre of COMmand) USP (Universal Self-loading Pistol) and who can’t forget the M9 Beretta (tranquilizer) - the gun you get when you start off on the Tanker. The guns themselves are made, shaped, sound and look as they do in real life. And for the, I salute Konami for looking beyond the outside layer, they spent hours looking at the individual components, in each gun. Just so it can react in a realistic way.

   On to the controls. The way you control Snake and the way you can throw him into the difficult situations is rather fun. By difficult situations, I mean getting him seen then having to use the hanging mode. But remember, use the grip/hanging mode to sneak around the enemy and NOT to see how long you can hold on for. Unlike me. Who did see how long I could hang on for and as I didn’t save it before doing that, I had to literally redo the whole sneaking through the engine room again.

Fig 1; Holding someone up.

   Unfortunately, Konami didn’t think to put a camouflage index in this game but thinking back to it, it was probably for the best; it puts you on the spot and forces you to make those on the spot decisions, fight or flight? It might even bring out that secret sniper in you, the assassin or even the nasty, torturous side of you, by that I mean holding people up [Figure 1], shooting them in the knee, the hand, the foot you get the idea.



   Hmmm, now shall I give the ending away? I don’t think so. It’s one of those decisions where if I tell you then you will lose interest. And I don’t want that. And also if I ruined it for you, where’s the fun in playing the game. So, again, I recommend you go and buy the game. It’s called Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty and its produced by Konami. I will leave you with this quote- “Play the game and the others will watch. Let others on the game and they will buy the game. They play the game and the game spreads like a virus”

   Until next time, adios.