Update on me...

 Hello, I will get straight into this blog post because I want to tell you all how I am and how I am feeling nowadays. I could be really nice and say that I am not suffering from depression but thats not true. It's not true for a couple of reasons because:
 
1. I am not clear of depession.
2. I am now managing my depression in a safe and sensible way
3. I have found somethimg to occupy my time instead of cutting

    Yes, thats right, you have read those right. Because I have a job. A job which may not sound appealing but I do find it fun. And I find that doing this job stops me thinking about suicide and self harm. My job? I work in a butchers. I know what you are thinking. Dead pigs, cutting meat, being a cannibal but no, that is not my job role. I am a cleaner as such. I wipe down the surfaces where the skin the deer, rabbits etc. And I do find it absolutely fascinating. It may sound really boring but thats not the point. Theres always a joke being made and there is always a laugh happening. The atmosphere is amazing. Theres Pete (the owner), Alex (Petes son-in-law)m, Tracey (someone who works there) and then theres me (little old me). My first day was fun.

   Okay, my first day:
   Righto, my first day. Here we go. I went there at 10 in the morning expecting orders to be barked at me left, right and centre. But that wasn't the case. I had a warm welcome and a mini tour of the place. Did you know that it used to have a small slaughterhouse at the back? No? Nor did I. But anyway, I was told what to do and how to do it and I just cracked on with it. I loved every second of it, I loved the cleaning, the sweeping and the moving. But I kept telling myself that it's for the best. At the end of the day, Pete (the owner) said what a brilliant job I have done of it. And hearing that made my day. It really did. I can't wait to go back!!!

   But do remember at the beginning of this post, I did say I am still suffering of depression and I do have my small moments when I feel like crap, where I just want to hide and cry. Where I want to go back to my "dark place" but I don't let myself. I don't because it's just going to drag me back to the way I was.

 November 6th, doctors appointment:
  I honestly forgot to do an update in this but here it is now. And I will type right now that my doctor is one absolute so and so.

   I went for my appointment and I told my doctor how I was, how I felt and what I  have done to myself. I had shown him my scars. That was really hard to do. To actually tell him all of that did tire me out. And it did have me crying. I found it really difficult to tell him that. And you know what he said? This what he said:

"...Jude, I woin;t lie but you cut yourself for a buzz. There isn't any other reason and that is the truth. You cut yourself because you find it fun to do and thats the only way you can get a buzz. I am right in telling you this because I know about this stuff..."
   
   WHAT?!!! I was shaking with hate. I was shaking with pure anger. Him? An expert? And he knows why I do it? I'm sorry but I had to literally interview him.

Me: So you know about why I do it?
Doctor: Yes
Me: So you know what I've been going through?
Doctor: No
Me: Have you been through depression?
Doctor: No
Me: Have you self harmed before?
Doctor: No
Me: So how do you know I do it for a buzz?
Doctor: Because I am in expert in this field of study and statistics show that most people harm themselves for a buzz. They think its clever and that it's cool.
Me: I'm sorry but I am going to have to disagree because when I used to cut, I was doing it to let out all my negative emotion, to let out the hate and anger inside of me. I didn't find it cool, I didn't find it clever and I did not find it as a buzz.
Doctor: You are wrong,  You aren't a qualified doctor, you don't know about this at all. Your opinion doesn't count.

   At that point, I had to leave the room because otherwise I would of punched him. I would of punched him so hard and I am not joking. That really upset me that was being ignorant of my experience and my feelings. When I went back in, I asked about anti-depressants. He said I didn't need them because I was stupid and that I wasn't in a rush to need them. So I had to sit there and smile and pretend that everything was okay. He eventually said that he stopped me from harming myself and that was when I lost it. I stood up and said:

"...Sorry but I find you absolutely disgusting. You sit there and you tell me why I harm myself and that I am being stupid. When I tell you the truth to why I harm myself you then ignore me. You sut there in your comfy chair and you speak words to me. You tell me everythings going to be okay, that I am going to be fine when in actual fact I am nopt fine, and that everytthing is not okay. You are just an utter letdown to the NHS. You claim to be an expert in depression, and if you really are an expert then help me. Help me instead of being a liar. Because right now and I won't lie, I am so close to hitting you. I want to hit you because you are like everyone else in this godforsaken world. You are ignorant to the fact that I am not okay, that I harm myself. You shun me to one side hoping that I will magically come out of depression and that you don't need to see me again. I ask about anti-depressants and you then tell me that I don't need them? I despise you and your stupid appointments. You do nothing to help me and for that I am leaving, I don;t care if you don't want me to leave and if you try and block my way. I will hit you. I don't want another appointment thanks and I don't want you to send me a letter because I will just rip it up and send it back..."

   And with that said, I left. When I got round the corner, I collapsed and I just cried my eyes out. I couldn't move, nor did I want to move. I was a wreck. My body was oblivious to pain from all the times I have cut into myself. I couldn't bring myself to move at all. And this was in the middle of the street, and I didn't care if I was laughted at. I didn't care what people thought of me. I was just fed up of it all.

   That is why I am renewing my campaign. I want you to share this blog. To tweet this blog. To quote from this blog. To link it up on Facebook, Kik, Tumblr, Twitter, Ask.fm, Bebo, MSN, Hotmail, Google mail, Google+ and any other social networking site that you may know. I will do my part, will you do yours? Leave a comment down below, email me on ginge_y1@hotmail.co.uk, find me on ask.fm: http://ask.fm/GingerJude, and on Twitter: @JudeWilson2. Please do what you can!!!